week 6

Week 6

Mette is back home, the other Danish girl who started the same time as I. She wrote me today, I just shut down. I went into a state of shock and just stared at the screen and read the message over and over again. Things wasn’t that good, her and her hostmom had a discussion which lead to her going back home.I don’t know other info about it. I knew she had a hard time, but I didn’t know she would head back home. But that is how it is and I have a lot of respect for her to take the decision. When you are this far away from home things are put into perspective, some have what it takes and other just don’t have the au pair-gene and nothing is wrong with that. She dared to take the chance, tell her goodbyes, get into at plane, cross the Atlantic sea, meet 27 other girls in the same “pressured” and exiting situation. She dared to put aside her way of living and join a new family with their lifestyle and living. And I would also like to admit: It’s fucking hard!

Many people sit with the view: Oh au pair, that’s just taking care of a few kids, and get some experiences and party all the time. But seriously it’s not a “piece-of-cake” to do so.

Personally I spend 2 years motivating and finding out to go, ½ year to prepare an “study” blogs, agencies etc. After ½ year of research I pushed a “not-binding” send button on the internet and then the show began.

What you do isn’t easy, it’s extremely hard, I thought I knew how hard it could be before I actually went. I thought I was prepared, but not on the fact that it’s THAT hard. I have a hard time – I survive.

Some days are good, some days are just crap and you want to pack your stuff and leave. I have had those thoughts many au pairs get. Is this really me, they don’t like me, I’m never gonna survive, it’s hard – I wanna go home. But that’s the bad days. Missing – homesickness can be a big battle for some persons. I miss 2 persons really much: My brother and my best friend. As late as today I Skyped with Linea, I both laughed and cried. Min friend has a big decision to make, a decision that I once had to take myself, and it’s hurting me that she’s hurt. Those who know me really well knows that I would never let down a person a truly care about. Did she or other persons after they considered the consequence they put me in: asked me to come home, I would come home fast as possible. My family, my family friends and my best friend will always be in the first row.

So missing can be extreamly hard to battle with. I have now been with the family and it have been a rollercoaster ride. One is that Jade have had a hard time copping with all the changes, second is that the parents have been stressed about house sale, house buying, remodeling new house, which we by the way moved into yesterday. Third is that we are very different on some subjects, I wished to see new ways to do things – and o’boy I defiantly have seen that. It’s very big changes I face here. Changes which “stride” against the way I was raised and how things were done in the nursery.

I have felled a very big pressure. Not enough with that I have to get used to something new and different, I have also had to handle a girl who is beside herself, I need to handle a new culture, I suddenly need to let go of my shyness for strangers– which is something I still fights a lot with. I need to accept that I don’t have the usual people around me, I have to accept time zones. It’s a lot of things to handle, a lot of thing which you can’t prepare for, things you haven’t imagined you had to handle. It’s a lot of things and it put the psyche under pressure. On top of that, my mom and I don’t speak because of a stupid discussion.

To sit on the other side of the earth, where you’re “alone things a put in perspective, yoy think about some things, you change opinions because your normal surroundings can’t “manipulate” There isn’t that much grey-view, just black and white. I have gotten some opinions to my own life, where Mom isn’t included og where I need “less” Mom. That’s why there is silence between us, I have said some hard words, been writing with capital letters, had my fences up.

Many thinks that decisions are hard to make, but it isn’t the decision which is har to take, yes/no or Send/cancel not rocket science. It’s the part that you have to live with your decision which is hard.

I said yes to this “project” which I signed up for myself. Knowing that I wouldn’t come home as the same. I will still be me on the outside, but inside things are changing  - that’s the way the human being develop and survive. New techniques, ways to think, ways to behave, new emotions and opinions. Same bottle – new taste.

So to be an au pair isn’t easy, if people thinks so, they defiantly should not go, it’s not easy in any way. Work and a routine continues everything else changes.

So an advice for girls who wants to be au pairs: think about it, think about pros and cons, research, you have to live with your decision, it’s a very learning experience, a great experience and chance, but it’s also hard work. Both literally but also hard work for your psyche.

I’m happy about my decision, I’m glad that I finally took a plunge, took a decision and did it. Mette, the other au pair found that the au pair life wasn’t her – and I got big respect for that! She got an experience, she learned something about herself, many will say failure but hell NO! it’s not a failure to go home. In the moment you get here you win! You dared to do what many other never in their lives would dare, you have already won and “proofed”  that you could do it.

Is the au pair life me? I don’t know, so many things have been happening for the last 6 weeks, so I don’t know. Some days I will say, yep this is 100 % me, other days I will hesitate and say no this isn’t me.

Now we have moved, things should be a little better. I have told myself that I need to give it at least 1 month in the new house before making up my mind.

I really care about hostfamily, they are really nice and I hope I’m going to stay. But I need to go through more of the adjusting period before I 100 % can make up my mind whether or not it’s me. Some got the gene, others doesn’t. And you’ll never know 100% before you’re in the situation.

I’m good, hopes to settle down soon.