Thorn, Twisted, Tears

I have to warn you. This is going to be a very long post. I haven’t been posting in two months now. Many things have happened, many things didn’t manage to stick to my plan. My mind is twisted, I find myself in a confusing, unrealistic world. I have no idea what to do or say, I have way too many hours to do nothing which means that I have way to many thought in my head.  Let’s start from the beginning, maybe it won’t be in correct order, but I hope you understand.

Last time I posted I hadn’t heard anything from anyone. I was jealous at all the other au pairs, they had what I want. I decided to sign up for a non-agency matching site, in hope of finding a family who would enter the program. I had many, many families who wanted me from the States. They just didn’t want to be in a program, because they think the agencies trick them; they simply don’t trust the agencies. But I don’t want to go to the States illegally. I have an agency and that’s how it’s going to be. I changed my “dear family letter” and made a few changes in my profile at EurAupair in hope of a family would contact me through my agency.

I had one family contacting me, she was like: I have chosen you! And I only had 2 days to decide, so I told her that it was way to short time for me to decide. She had to spend some more time getting to know me. She never responded back.

I also got offers from families in Europe. In the beginning I turned the offers down. But more came and I started realizing that I might should forget USA and head off to somewhere else. I had contact with many families in Europe, especially families from Switzerland. I ended up with one family from Switzerland. They sounded perfectly. They even invited me down for a couple of days. Just to see if it would work. The family and the children were all very nice, boys will be boys and babies will be babies. But it didn’t feel right. The family agreed, so I didn’t sign contract with anyone.

Then I got home, I had turned down a job offer because I was 95% sure that I was going to Switzerland. I could have had a job in Denmark now. I still don’t have a job.

Well I started dating a guy, very sweet – I don’t know him that well yet, so don’t jump into conclusions – I’m still single!

Then a family contacted me – from the states – via EurAupair! Family with two children: a 3 y.o girl and 4 month old boy.  Moving to another state in December and want me to arrive in January. Their family life and lifestyle is very different from mine I think.

It’s a very healthy family. And with healthy – I mean really, really healthy! They have a dog (I’m allergic) but it’s one of those non-shedding breeds (hypo allergenic). The fact is that I have never had a dog; I know they need to be walked, have food and water, needs to be pad etc. But I don’t have a clue how to behave around a dog, when it lives the same place as I do. They will move to Colorado, near Denver, a city with many young people around. They travel a lot, because they have family and friends many place around the states. So the au pair they chose will see so many things, when she just follows them.  

Then I have applied for a job in a nursery. 30 hour weekly. And they have called me in for an interview tomorrow. But I’m so split right now. These jobs don’t just show up when you need it. I’m not even sure to get it. And if I want to go to the States, then I have to go now, before I get a boyfriend, an education and a flat. This opportunity won’t show again. But I will lose a job because of me being an au pair for the third time! I’m so scared.

Just had a talk with my dad. I have told him my thoughts, he thinks I should go.

I made a plan myself: If I get the job at the nursery tomorrow I will stay in Denmark. If not I will go to the States. But it’s just not that simple.

If I get the job tomorrow: I will have a stabile job, the chance to get my own place, maybe get a boyfriend (who knows) I will earn my own money again. But I also risk, that I will regret that I didn’t leave for the rest of my life.

If I don’t get the job: I will go to the States. I don’t think any au pair is 100% sure of their decision. How can you be 100% before you leave? You have no idea what to expect. Many say afterwards: “I’m so glad I did this for me. I will never regret my decision” But I think all au pairs have a little doubt before leaving. If I leave for the States, I will give up the third job, a place of my own, a potential boyfriend and a clearing in my life.

I’m thorn and in tears. Have no idea what to do.